the subway and lesbian situationships

i’m glad chapell roan didn’t drop “the subway” two years ago during what i now call my “lesbian situationship final boss.”

“the subway” hits different with its deeply lesbian lyricism and that haunting singing tone chapell roan nails every time. it’s like she’s whispering your worst feelings right into your ear but somehow making it sound beautiful. the song captures that weird mix of longing, heartbreak, and quiet rage that only comes from losing someone who meant way more than they probably should have.

back then, i was stuck in this awful place. i had an intense crush on my best friend. i didn’t realize it was love at the time. we were close, really close, but then things fell apart hard.

we stopped being friends after she told me some heavy lies about someone i’d grown close to. it felt like the ground shifted beneath me, because she’d been my rock for so long. during those final months, i had green hair. dyed it bright, loud green and it was part of my identity then.

the green hair became this weird marker for who i was and the exact moment in my life, the end of that friendship. after we stopped talking, i dyed it red and then just stopped dying it for a long time.

“the subway” has this lyric that hits me every time: “she’s got away... she got away.” even though i know that everything happened for the best, i still reminisce over what could’ve been.

and the line “i saw your green hair” is like a direct shot to the heart. chapell writes about a woman with green hair, and that green was my own during that chaotic time. it would have been impossible for little 18-19-year-old me to escape those words, especially since i had just started listening to chapell roan and even saw her live in concert around then.

seeing chapell live was amazing. i went with a friend who was also going through a situationship breakup — but hers was way worse. her favourite chapell song is “casual,” and if you know that one, you know…

the whole night was this mix of catharsis and pain, the perfect soundtrack for two people dealing with heartbreak and confusion.

after everything fell apart with my best friend, i completely shut down. she was my rock, and harbouring feelings for her in secret made it all worse. i jumped into a relationship with someone else quickly after we stopped talking, but i never really processed the loss or what could’ve been.

there’s also this lyric in “the subway” that really hits home: “i made you the villain, evil for just moving on.” that perfectly captures the anger i held toward her and her actions, even though we were both so young and probably just fumbling through everything the best way we could.

so honestly, thank god “the subway” didn’t come out then. it would have been my personal soundtrack to heartbreak, or my institutionalisation. a song i wouldn’t have been ready to hear or face.

now, listening to it, the lyrics still sting, but i can appreciate them without falling apart. it’s like i’m a little bit further away from that messy, confusing moment in my life.

looking back, i realize that the whole time, i was just completely in love with my best friend. that’s the final boss i didn’t know i was fighting until much later.

sometimes timing really is everything.